Emotions ~ I have always had so many. They would roll in like a storm, violent and foreboding, ripping through me bringing the tears, rain against a window, previously clear. They mar the surface changing the scene. I have held them back for 25 years to protect myself as they threaten the horizon. Bottling them gave them enormous power! Pressure builds as I fight them, they consume me for a period of darkness and devour hope, light and happiness leaving me conquered and empty. The shudder of thunder as the hateful ugly past destroys a little more. I let them roar and release them from my injured soul. In the darkness they are so strong and they whisper evil thoughts to me. When morning breaks, they lose their power over me, they are so ugly coming out! These are called, Triggers!
Oh how I fight them! I don’t want their journey to become public. They expose my weakness and shed light on the horrific degrading event that has caused me such shame and pain. The lack of ability to control the emotions and leave it behind me is a source of new shame. Why can’t I move forward? Shake it off, Let it go?
The only way to move on is to let them out, release the tears and the pain, grieve the losses, face the hurts and conquer that pain! There is no Get Over, only GO THROUGH with a qualified counselor like the staff at NEW BEGINNINGS!
Yesterday was dark, horrific and sad. Getting the pain out and surviving the emotional storm. Today was the dawn of new day. The sun comes out, lighting all the shadows and exposing the darkness. Like yesterday’s storm was only a dream? A scene in a movie that I cannot connect. A few people see the storm and witness its power, they cannot handle the emotion. It is terrifying to see and without explanation cannot be understood by the witnesses.
This is a description of the 25 years of hiding I have done! I was raped by someone I knew and trusted, it is rarely a stranger! I wish I had told, I wish I had not been so filled with fear. I learned these horrible twisted human beings, “groom” their victims over a period of time to achieve their agenda.
Holding it back was only a nightmare now and then, a compulsion for locked doors and panic of undiagnosed PTSD. As the stresses of life became more, I lost the ability to hold the pain. Nightmares increased, emotions came out at inappropriate times. I had seen many counselors through the years and somehow knew they could not handle this revelation, I was a master of disguise and could judge their abilities with only a few sessions.
When I saw the survivor art at New Beginnings Book Sale and Art Show, I knew I had found people who understood my special kind of pain. It was obvious in the art! I made the call and told for the first time in 25 long years. Tara Gann at New Beginnings helped me to realize I was not at fault for this attack! She began to rewire the negative recording that had played in my head. Mantras of fear, worthlessness and dirty filthy feelings of self‐hatred. Working with her, I made new things play in my subconscious mind. Love of self, kindness to me! She helped me to realize this had taken enough of my happiness and together, we began to light the darkness and heal the pain. This was hard emotional work! Journaling was a huge help as I sorted out the feelings left by such an injury to my soul.
I can feel happiness now, not just on the surface, but inside myself! I will do all I can to lead others to New Beginnings! To promote this place that has changed my life as the as the name promises!
Your story is safe with them, make the call!